i don't know about you, but i always thought that i was a very dependable person. a person that someone/anyone/even everyone can go to if they need a good listening ear, a person to bare their soul to, a hole in the ground to whisper a secret too. but recently, i'm just really tired of having to convince people that they can trust me, tired of not being trusted. and at times like these, i miss mg lots.

mg made life seem so much easier. if this is what a comfort zone does to you, then wow, let it be. i want to stay in a comfort zone forever. to heck with how unhealthy that is. when i try to change myself for the better, i get told off for listening to others and to stop changing because i should just 'be yourself'. when i try to be myself, i get told off for being too bimbo/bitchy/girly/useless. i have learnt to see myself in a different light and i'm not sure i'm happy with what i'm seeing. because that's really not me. and i don't know how to show you the real me. because i'm not in mg and my mg girls are not with me. i'm only really me when i'm with them.

i don't know if i'm being paranoid about my parents suddenly reinforcing this superstrict curfew on me. i don't understand the basis of it. maybe it's because i compare my curfew situation to people with no curfews at all and i just don't understand. i'm just really sick and tired of always having to leave early. i want to stay and be part of the company.

why can't my parents trust me enough. i don't care if this is the wrong mindset but who the hell would want to kidnap me or rape me or rob me? and if they think i have a boyfriend, WELL I DON'T. i'm not that stupid to paste a post it right there for every one to see. (haha yes, thanks avril for doodling on it "MY FIRST DATE".) you think it's that easy to get a boyfriend ah. like seriously! boys. i've had enough of them. they're so horrible. i want to go back to mgs! i repeat, i am not attached. i don't have a boyfriend. right now, that's the last thing i want to have. i'd rather have third degree burn scars than have a boyfriend.

i'm so annoyed and tired and sad and worn out. maybe in comparison to the troubles that other people have, this is nothing. but it's something that has been bothering me and this is like the last straw. I HAVE PLANS IN THE MARCH HOLIDAYS. PLANS TO GO OUT AND ACTUALLY SOCIALISE/HAVE FUN. WHY CAN'T I DO THAT WITHOUT SOMEONE PERPETUALLY BREATHING DOWN MY NECK.
i know studies are important! i know i need to do well! i want to do well! but is it so bad for me to have a personal opinion that friendships are more important FRIGGIN GRADES?! sick and tired of parents placing all these adult concerns on me, a TEENAGER. LET ME LIVE MY LIFE. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO MUG TEN YEARS AWAY AND LOOK BACK AND SEE THAT I HAVE GAINED NOTHING BUT EDUCATIONAL CERTIFICATES.

whatever, i can't deal with all these shit anymore. i'm going back to where it really matters. i'm going to pray and have my QT. i still can go on and on but nobody gives a hoot about how affected i am anyway. my brother's probably going to read this and tell it to my parents. so sickening. i wish he was mature enough to know when to do the right thing and stop being such an annoying asshole. contrary to what people tell me, i do wish he'd just hurry up and go into this emo teenager phase. that way, he leaves me alone and i leave him alone.

goodnight folks. it's been a long day.

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"and when you hold my hand, you hold my heart."
go, finding michelle. even though your lead singer's hair sucks and should shut up/stop defending himself, you guys were great.