okay, but today was made an awesome day because after school, i hung out at jacq's house and we laughed over ancient neoprints. it was really funny because we all look so different and thank God i look like how i look like now. except maybe in two years' time, i'll be laughing at the now me. at least there's room for improvement. i ponned the squash recreational club meeting at the bleachers cos i wanted to go over to acsib to visit sze. plus all the lovely mg girls, like natw, julia, liana, la, char, sandra, daphne, grace fong, denise foo. i hope i didn't miss out anyone.

so some of us sat down in the SAC and just talked. minfeng came a bit later and justin/shaun was there too. so we hung out and went to holland v together cos we need dinner. actually, we don't really need dinner. so we went to coffee bean to find a cosy spot and just let loose. 

jacq didn't have much to let loose, which is good. sze and i were totally taking turns to complain and whine and groan and omg, i feel like i can just go on forever. i mean, of course there're the good parts, but she had heard it all before when i talked to her on the phone a few days ago. it's like i'm finally getting all the sucky parts after enjoying myself to the max. and it's just really discouraging/depressing.

what really gets to me is that it isn't anybody else's fault but mine. sure, i keep saying that it's almost as if i'm suffering from culture shock in my own Methodist culture but to be honest, it's not even really the Methodist culture anymore. i guess i have no choice but to change for the better, and not like it's bad. it's cool that someone tells me what i'm doing wrong, thus giving me the chance to correct my wrongs but like, i can't help but feel that is part of who i really am. not to say that i'm really ______, but it's just a part of the mg culture that i seem to refuse to let go. now i see that i can choose to keep it with me, maybe just reveal it selectively. i know i can completely be myself in front of my mg girls and it's alright because that's already who they know Audrey Tan to be. and like, that's what we do all the time anyway! but since i'm no longer in mg, no longer a mg girl, no longer with my mg girls, i have to adapt to new situations/environments. 

:(

i guess this is what they mean when they say life always has its ups and downs. after going up the past week, i'm going down down down now. 

i would say that my NG in acjc is keeping me from hitting rock bottom, but now, i'm even losing them. because classes are out tomorrow and i keep feeling like i'm going to get a sucky class. okay, not really. i'm just really worn out and tired by the process/thought of making new friends. plus, there isn't any orientation. they're just going to make us sit together during assembly like everything's going to be okay, like everybody knows each other. it really hit me like a blunt bullet when it was mentioned that "you should know that an og is only temporary" because i knew that all along, except i never realised the true extent/meaning of it. all this time i've been making myself love/accept my og (not that it's difficult), and i was so thankful for Zira. then all of a sudden, they're just going to go like that? i know it's not as if they're leaving me forever, but it won't be the same anymore. how am i going to survive without sancia and felice? they're like the only people who really understands all my complaints and woes. sancia, please please be in my class!! (i love you too, fel.)

yes, i'm just being overdramatic and emotional. but i'm sorry, i can't help it. i'm also trying my hardest to make myself look on the positive side-- we will all cherish our og friends even more/widen our social circle. i know i will probably be closer to some og mates after being in different classes because then we wouldn't have the time/heart to magnify all their flaws. it's like "oh, i only have so much time to talk to you and catch up with you, so obviously i won't spend those time noticing how your uniform is weird/you're insensitive/you talk funny." all their flaws will automatically dim and eventually, you just don't notice them at all. so, i suppose that's good because it's always good to be able to see the wonderfulness of a person.

okay, so now, letting the pictures do the talking as to how i spent my vday-- celebrating my biff's birthday!! yayz to picnic @ botanic gardens.