haha, this will not be a happy and funny post, mind you.

okay, i've been kinda satisfied with life lately. i suppose i've been pretty successful in forcing myself to do homework, and i have been doing bit by bit. i even have a rough timetable to abide to, and usually computer time is at night.

so, it's at night now and thus, computer time. but as usual, i don't know what to do! i've visited almost every blog i can remember and watched every youtube video i can. then what? so many people online but they're either away or busy or just not talking to me. it's this sort of time where i take a good look at the computer and think, "now what?"

with really nothing else to do, i signed into gmail and then decided to read through all the past emails i've sent out. meaningful ones. and omg, talk about being nostalgic! i remember how cheryl lam used to be the friend who brought me through most of the hard times in sec 2. and in sec 3, when i thought myself to be friendless, eeleng stuck by my side and we spent hours reminiscing about sec 2 times. i feel so mean, because i've drifted so much from them!

i read through the emails i used to send to cheryl and i'm really appalled at the way i used to think. and how much i used to think. i am pretty much a useless human being now. but back then, i had such a low self-esteem! i don't know how cheryl could've dealt with it. but she did, and thanks so much for that, dear. i don't know if she still reads my blog, but i suppose it doesn't really matter. this blogpost isn't really for anybody to read. it's for me.

ahh, i don't know what i want to say anymore. i think i'm just disappointed in myself. i can't see if i've improved as a person, or not. i feel like i'm so much more superficial now. and i'm losing touch with the important things in life. my mom was nagging at us so much today, but when would i ever actually listen to what she has to say?

i'm a student now, and it's obvious that i'm supposed to be studying and working my ass off for the o's. and a part of me really does want to do well. i don't know how, but i used to be so sure and confident of myself! that no matter what i do, when the time comes, i'll just work really hard and i'll get really good marks and i'll end up in a really good jc. no sweat, like PSLE all over again, right?

wrong.

ugh i don't know whatever possessed me to think that way! secondary school life is so much tougher and suddenly life is... i don't know, not what it used to be. i think i prefer it this way, but time never stops and even if we stop, it doesn't. i keep looking back and then marvelling at how far i've travelled. but will i be able to do that in the future?

and anyway, i think i'm such a bitch. seriously. i don't know if God can ever forgive me, after all that i've done. i mean, i haven't killed anyone or stolen anything. but it's like, ARGH.

i only have myself to blame. i used to have cheryl, where i can tell everything and anything to. even the most horrible and meanest things ever. but now, i can't tell anybody! who can say for sure that they won't judge me and think of me as a stupid, selfish person? i'm so horrible.

ah crap. i think i'll just go back to reading the emails. and then sleep. wake up tomorrow morning and go to school to hand in spa files. and progress report. i think i might want to stop by bpp to stock up on my art materials. popular's my temporary "made with love". i still owe eeleng a letter(: ugh, please tell me i haven't lost her address!

tomorrow i will do my math tuition homework. and finish up bio mcq.

and on saturday, i will make cards and write letters. need something to calm and soothe myself. make myself feel right again.

sunday, i will go to church and pray and hope that my wrongs will be righted.

:(
why am i not a cactus in a desert?