rain keeps falling on my windowpane,
in between reading and napping, i do my work.
the whole whole day i'm wasted in bed,
only head and shoulders peeping from my vast pink duvet.

no cares for vanity,
my forehead defiantly shines.
the weather is my music,
my mind dancing to exhaustion.

Insomnia raced with me yesterday,
remembered waking up to a word;
"Again."
and the dream leaves me P.S notes.

fingers oily from dough,
moulding into mould.
a little girl's wish to bake
comes in form of chocolate tarts and sister's test.

suddenly unsure of myself,
where is the confidence?
i turn and look back
OMG THIS IS DAMN GAY.

-
haha, okay. i can't keep up with this whole poetry thing anymore. i feel damn fake and pretentious. i guess some people just can't carry off this whole Emily Dickenson/Sylvia Plath/ e.e cummings atmosphere.

i think it's irritating, how this holidays is one whole big bowl of hypocrisy. just the word holiday alone leads me to daydreams of time spent playing happily, lazing off guiltlessly, being a total couch potato. but it's the whole reality of homework that sickeningly drags me back to Earth. i mean, i have a choice. for all i want, i have a choice of laying there for six days straight and then rushing all my work in one day. but damn responsibility, darn consequences. i have to freaking go do what's RIGHT. seriously, determinism has never felt so real.

so anyway, it's Physics MCQ day today. i keep putting off Chinese day. i guess that will have to be tomorrow la. i don't want to rush chinese. math can be rushed. chinese freaking can't.

i've been catching up on reading. i'm done with The Black Dahlia, Time Traveller's Wife and The Odd Flamingo. i'm still on the Wednesday's Child. these books influence my moods like the government brainwashing citizens. haha, i don't know. all these books aren't exactly pleasant in the sense that they can get damn depressing sometimes, and let you think about all the things you've never thought about before. not just about issues, about yourself too.

so i was there, unblinkingly awake last night. unable to freaking sleep. seriously. i hate Insomnia. but i guess it was okay because the things i thought about were mainly about myself and the whole transition stage thing. it was annoying because i felt like i was taking a risk, like if it failed i have nobody to blame. like i want it to succeed, but it's not my decision. so it was torturous, but not as bad if i was thinking about, hmm say, a certain somebody else?

i remember this literature analysis of Sylvia Plath's Mirror, where i said that there was juxtaposition in the second stanza. how birth was associated with youth and death was associated with old age, yet there was a death of youth and a birth of old age. (remember? the young girl drowing and a old woman rising up/out 'like a terrible fish'.)
and now i'm thinking, this is like my life in the holidays. i sleep in the mornings and wake up at night. not literally, of course. i'm generally zombie-like and soulless in the mornings, where i do nothing but work, nap and read. feeling totally lost in life. but night approaches and once i'm done with dinner, i heave my butt online and that's when my nightlife begins. hahaha. i'm an owl, hear me hoot. tonight's special because jacq will like BE BACK IN SINGAPORE ALREADY? hahahah. i'm like emotionally blackmailing her. but it's true, i miss her. want to talk to her and get my band[age] pictures.

haha, would you just look at me. rambling on like nobody's business. okay. i'll be off with Spider Solitaire and its cobwebs. my latest new friend.

Little Miss Pathetic signing off now.
POOF.