i think i'm still very much in the holiday mode, keep thinking that we're heading towards the end of a term, and not the beginning of one.

i haven't done much homework. haha, what's new? it's very annoying how i just can't bring myself to do homework. i'm trying to write the chinese speech now, but i'm getting irritated. but i shan't rant on here in case somebody reads my blog, doesn't like what she sees and spams my tagboard like crazy again.

i've only completed math worksheets. and that was on good friday. i haven't done anything since then. i still have physics worksheet and chem worksheet and bio SPA and emath test. and heymath. okay. i'll do heymath after this, and hope that the irritation pass, inspiration come and i'll be able to write out the speech wonderfully.

freaking hate SPA la. it's like the whole o' levels thing. okay. you know what? i'm just PMSing. i can roll my eyes and glare at anything right now. i'm just damn pissed. i have no idea why. maybe it's the whole i-hate-doing-something-i-don't-want-to-do thing. or how i'm being forced to go through fourteen years worth of education. or how i have to research some social studies conference thing and BE COMPLETELY ON MY OWN. i'm going to die la. even if i research superbly, it's not going to help. i'm not like jaime or natw or sze or av. i can't freaking debate and put a point across. i hate ss anyway.

and a part of me knows that i hang out alot with damn hardworking people, so it irks me. i wonder why the hell i'm in SB freaking C with a personality like this. i'm damn lazy and slacky. it's like i'm always not doing my homework. always handing in my homework late. i WANT to do better, but i CAN'T. i'm trying, okay? it's not that easy for me. i don't have the freaking motivation.
and i'll probably pull down the average for o' levels for the whole of SBC. i mean, some people have issues with their social life, but ha ha ha. look who's the one who doesn't have a social life and has to groan about her studies instead. damn loser man, audrey tan.

i hate that i have to go on and on like this. but it's like, nothing's improving. i'm still stuck in this shithole- i'm not moving on! i feel like sometimes people are just patronising me, but i can't be hypocritical and say that it sucks. because i prefer people patronising me. i'm not like that smelly Ken Harrison. in fact, i don't like people who are straightforward. even if it hurts and is wrong, i'd rather much you tell me something i like. keep me in the dark as much as possible. ignorance is bliss.

sigh. it's just painful la. i mean, i know it can be painful for everybody, but they feel good and accomplished after that pain is over. they mug their asses off and feel damn stressed, but in the end, they get the marks. that's a good kind of pain. for me? huh. nothing i ever do is enough. maybe i should just get tuition for everything. is there a lower physics which i can escape to? i want to try my hardest, but it doesn't feel like my hardest. and i always wonder what is the hardest, anyway?

i wish we can have chapel periods every day so God can speak to me. he has only spoke to me once, and it was a wonderful feeling. i didn't know what it was, until charlene described what God spoke to her about after church camp on her blog. and i'm like OHHH. it felt nice, like i was included in a secret. i was pleased on the inside. how i wish He can speak to me again. show me the way. guide me.

okay. i'm just going to go attempt heymath now. this whole complaining thing is not doing anything for me. and if it's worth anything, i'm sure as hell going to complete that chinese speech by today even if it kills me. even if i don't sleep. even if i cry in frustration. i'm going to overcome that obstacle and freaking force myself to do it.