i am sad, very sad.

because Life has defeated me, in a way that i never saw it coming. but i can't blame it all on life. it's partly because of me. i've let myself forget about my love for writing, my ambition to become a writer, my dream of publishing books.

i don't think people past my sec 3 life know about this side of me. i was just looking through and filing my portfolio when i came across my CAP portfolio and my scenario writing. i read the short stories which i penned when i was a mere 13-year-old, who just realised her talent to write. it was like seeing a person unfurl and grow.

all i've been writing in school is argumentative and factual essays that i forgot about narrative. i've let school rule my life.

maybe i can't write as poetically as natchin, or have a vocab as wonderful as natwong, but i have my own inspirations and dreams. i have dulled my senses and drugged my muses. storylines and plots come to me, but i no longer jot them down eagerly. i have neglected my fanfiction and basically lost all contact with my own secret world of ink on paper.

but now that i'm reconnected, i feel bigger ambitions and hopes welling up within me. and not to burst your bubble, i don't think i'm sharing them here. they're perfectly private and confidential. not like you're very interested to know about my lifeplan anyway. to you, i'm just like a thespian who just remembered Shakespeare, and is being overdramatic right now.

i feel like i've disappointed my (g)laoshi. the one who made me see that i had the potential to write and developed me, gently nudging me in the right direction. she has helped me so much, and should i ever succeed, i'll honestly pay a tribute to her or something. anything within my means that i can do to repay her, i will.

something hit home tonight, baby, and it ain't going nowhere.