my mom just burst into tears over the phone. whatever the bad news was, my grandmother was the one to break it to her.

you know, i haven't attended a funeral before. i don't want to change that.

i'm damn scared now. but i'll have to stay strong.

i'll go make smashed potatoes now.

(edit)
for as long as my memory can stretch, i have only seen my mom cry twice.

once when i was a wee little girl.
once today.

the first time i ever saw my mom cry, i was probably five years or younger. and i could remember everything so clearly. she answered a phone and stayed silent, biting her lip. then she gave instructions for my grandfather to stay where he was, and that help was coming soon. she promised.

when she hung up, she burst into tears. sobs wracked her body. and i was sitting in front of her, watching her cry. i was scared and sad, because when you only cry when you are sad. and for my mom to cry so hard, i figured that she must be really really sad. but i also realised that i have never seen my mother cry before. so i continued sitting there, the fat toddler that i was, at a complete loss of what to do. more than anything, i think i was also relieved because i felt like i understood my mom better. that maybe she just didn't want her daughters to see her cry. and that she didn't want my grandfather to know how scared she was.

she picked up the phone a second time and called my dad. she could barely say anything, but i think my dad knew what was happening. he was reassuring her, i knew, because she kept nodding her head to herself, like she really wanted to believe what he was telling her. she hung up a second time and cried and cried.

even i have never cried so hard before. my mom would pick me up and jiggle me whenever i cried. but i couldn't do that. so the fat toddler crawled over to her mom and held her mom's hand. my mom held on tightly and for me, she tried to contain her tears.

a series of calls came fast and furious. i slowly understood the situation.

my grandfather was alone at home when he vomitted blood. shocked, he called my mom. my mom told him to stay there and not go anywhere. she then called my father for help. my father and my uncle went over to my grandfather immediately and sent him to a hospital.

that was ten years ago.

today, i was the one who picked up the phone first. i heard my grandmother ask for my mom, and as i placed the receiver down, i vaguely wondered why my grandmother's voice was so hoarse. my mom came to the phone and i went to clean my teeth.

from the toilet, i heard strange noises. which sounded alot like crying. i poked my head out of the toilet and saw my mom crying. she was wiping tears from her eyes and wailing to her mom. she kept saying, "imagine how jie jie would look like now." she repeated that over and over again in chinese. and i thought maybe my aunt was also crying now.

at first i thought that my grandfather had died. then i thought something happened to my uncle. i kept hearing about my parents discussing about my uncle and hospital stays and _____. i thought that i'd lost my uncle and my mom was crying for her sister.

seeing my mom cry a second time was such a rude shock. she couldn't stop herself from crying, and i could tell from the way she desperately tried wiping the tears away, but it just wouldn't stop.

my brother was still at home and i had to prevent him from doing anything stupid. so i went to have a little talk with him. "mummy's a bit sad right now. can you please not do anything to anger her? don't ask anything, don't say anything, okay?" it was his first time seeing my mom cry and i felt a little sorry for him. he could only whisper "i know."

then i came and blogged the above. i'm touched by the people who showed their concern. sze wing smsed me and emily called me. i had a nice long catch-up chat with emily and it really helped in distracting me from the current situation.

my brother behaved his best too, being extra quiet and doing his assigned work silently. i managed to make my 'smashed potatoes' and thought they were delicious. my mom was okay by then, although her eyes were still red. i don't know if that was from crying or from the eye problem she has been having recently. maybe a good cry cleaned her eyes out. that would be nice.

after i hung up with emily, my brother dragged me into the room and said that he knew why mummy cried. i got the shock of my life.

the one with _____ was not my uncle, it was my aunt.

i seriously wasn't expecting that and i felt kinda numb. like, my brother was waiting for a reaction, but i didn't give him any. so he went on, "yeah, ah yi have an illness and she has to go for treatment. ah ma and mummy so sad because the chance of success is not high. and ah yi might..." he crooked his finger. "...die."

i just nodded. and he continued telling me about how he's very sad he won't see his cousins anymore because we usually see them when we go shopping with them-- my aunt as the driver. he just talked and talked and talked, filling up the emptiness and silence of the house because my parents had gone. most likely to see my aunt in the hospital.

all i'm thinking,
"i'll never wish for drama ever again."

p.s.
and silin, if you're reading this now, well know that i'll be praying for you. and that you're pretty in your own sweet way. loveya! <3