psh, i'm such a bitch.

so anyway, spent the whole afternoon watching Foxy Lady and it's damn funny! it wasn't as fun laughing alone because it sounds so hollow. but i really wanted to catch up the past episodes i missed. so, i did.

my mother is very stubborn on the fact that i have to study for my chinese paper 2. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. what i do know is that is if i do badly, she'll surely say it's because i didn't study.

which is why she'll suddenly forget all my hard work and library trips when she sees my paper. and she'll threaten to not give me my pink VAIO. i never wanted to be a rebellious or stupid rude daughter. but when she does things like that, i feel like i have to shout at her. because if i don't, she'll really really not give me my laptop. i know it. like how she always says she knows me because 'i gave birth to you!', well, i know you too, mum. it works both ways.

i don't like it when she nags about how i'm always so untidy or lazy. i'm her daughter. i get genes. and they're from her. or my dad. i really wish she'll think about who's she scolding before opening her mouth. i bet she doesn't even realise that she's scolding herself indirectly. and if i were to point it out nicely to her one fine day, she'll look at me and ask me to stop being so rude.

and that's why, teenagers all say 'whatever'. because that's like the best and only thing you can say under such circumstances.

okay, i still love her. she just gets on my nerves sometimes.

and i know i'm pmsing now. because i have learnt to identify my moodswings, with much help from my sister's "GOSH, STOP PMSING ON ME." of course, i learn from my mistakes whereas she does nothing. if i said the same thing to her, she'll glare at me and protest hotly that she isn't pmsing. what's there to be ashamed of? pms then pms luh. all females on Earth do that.

okay, whatever. you can ignore me. but i'm still going to drone on. i'm extremely disappointed in myself. today's physics paper was worse than math. if i were the teacher, i would be pissed at myself when i'm marking my own script. it clearly reflects that i haven't learned a single damn thing in lessons at all. and that i'm being such a disgusting heck-it-all-attitude student. whereas i'm not a study-my-ass-off or a shit-shit-shit-i'm-so-lousy person, i still don't like being seen as someone who doesn't care. because, you know what, i do. i just don't care as much.

pfft, what am i trying to prove to who? all these are your own sickening excuses, Audrey Tan. you will post this and when you reread this tomorrow, you'll look back in disgust. "why the hell did i post it?" it always happens, but i always post anyway. i want to be heard. and if i try but nobody listens, i can say "eh, not my fault."

so you can roll your eyes at me and do that snorty thingy. but let me quote Faber, "I am a cowardly old fool."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY. NATALIE WONGSY.
i'm sorry that my moodswing had to clash with your birthday. i know you know i love you no matter what, anyway. xoxoxo.