i woke up at 700hours today.

i brushed my teeth and bathed after comtemplating whether to wash my hair or not. i did.

i dumped necessary things into my bag and combed my hair quickly.

i gulped down my oat milk and stuffed my feet into socks with skill.

i rummaged for my umbrella (because my mom insisted) but couldn't find it.

i left the house with a large aunty yellow umbrella, a black bag slung over one shoulder and damp hair sticking to my neck.

i ran to the busstop.

i annotated lit at the busstop.

i boarded the bus, found a seat by the window and continued annotating hurriedly.

i alighted the bus.

i peered out at the rain and opened by big protective yellow umbrella.

i glanced at my watch and gasped.

i walked quickly over the bridge.

i hung on to my umbrella and bag while running up the slope.

i don't want to be late, but i am.

i huffed and puffed my way into school.

i walked past the canteen; nope, they are not there.

i walked past 3t; nope, they are not there.

i backtracked and went up 6 fleets/flights of stairs after crossing the quadrangle.

i walked past the LA homeroom; nope, they are not there.

i got stopped by teachers, where i explained in soft tones that i was going for a supplementary class and left before they could reply.

i walked past the library; nope, they are not there.

i went down 6 fleets/flights of stairs and i am overcome by anxiety; where are they?

i walked past the canteen because i thought i heard sarah's voice; nope, they are still not there.

i walked to the concourse, where i took out my phone and dialed for help; natalie wong.

please pick up, please pick up, please pic-- YES. "hello?"

"where are you now? are you even at mg?"

"NO. I AM AT HOME."

"BYOB is cancelled."

i faint there and then.

-

no, i did not.

a huge wave come crashing over my chest and i clung on to my aunty umbrella for support.

"what?!" i shriek indignantly.

i start hyperventilating.

"are you crying?" natalie asks.

i don't answer her question and continue cursing.

we discuss about elearning for a while, but it doesn't distract me at all.

"excuse me, is that a necessary call?"

i look up at a unrecognized adult and give her a polite, dirty look.

"of course, you slut, what else can it be? a girlie chat?!"

no. just "yes, it is. but i'm going off now."

i walk away while she continues pointing and explaining to my shadow.

i hyperventilate into the phone.

i ignore the security guards who stopped their conversation when i walked past with slumped shoulders because they must be thinking, "hey, i recognize that umbrella! didn't she just walk past fifteen minutes ago?"

i really don't need that kind of humiliation.

"hold on" and i open my big stupid yellow umbrella once again. "hello" and i continue hyperventilating.

"someone up there must really hate me."

"why must this happen to me?"

and i get cut off suddenly.

i stop talking and stare at my phone. my emotions seemed to have magnified in that sudden quietness.

no, i need to talk. i need to whine. i need to hyperventilate. i need someone.

emily.

i called her house number and julian answers. i almost smile at his adorable voice.

"'allo? who this?"

"hello. i'm audrey. may i speak to emily please?"

"emily is not here."

"oh? then where is she?"

"..."

"hello? julian?"

"emily is not here."

"okay. byebye."

"byebye."

it hits me suddenly. where else can emily be but at school?

jacq.

i call her handphone but it is not turned on.

desperate for noise, i hummed tunelessly while i searched through my phonebook frantically.

szewing.

i call her handphone but it is not turned on.

avril.

i call her handphone and it rings. maybe my eyes lighted up.

i hyperventilate into the phone, but avril is half-asleep. then i realise that hyperventilating is not really helping, anyway.

"nevermind. you can go back to sleep now. byebye."

but she stops me, "ah, i can't go back to sleep anyway" and she helps distracts me for a while.

"oh, i'm going to board the bus now, so byebye."

i hung up.

but i slouch on the seat anyway. 171 is not here yet, in actual fact. the anger and frustration has drained away together with raindrops. stillness and emoness takes their place.

i saw 171 in the near distance and pushed myself up. i stuck my hand out.

i boarded the near-empty bus.

i slumped in my seat and left my big sad umbrella on the floor.

i yanked the rubber band out from my hair and let it fall onto my shoulders. it was still wet. and who cares i'm in school uniform? there is nobody else to book me.

my head loll around until it stops and my eyes stare out of the window. it is still raining.

i watch the streaks of rainwater fall down on the window, blurring everything else.

i compose a blogpost in my mind.

i wonder about why i'm feeling so depressed because by right, i shouldn't be. i just turned up at school unnecessarily, that's all. i was just the last person to know about the cancellation, that's all.

as i shifted restlessly around in my hard cold seat, i found the answer.

damn my period.

i compose a funny but sad chinese poem in my mind. it will stay there forevermore.

i wonder if i should go home. and i realise i don't want to.

okay then, i will go to bpp for Sweet Talk. i need sugar in my blood to perk me up anyway. and i can mope around in the mall, the lone figure amongst crowds. perfect emo scene.

i alighted the bus and peered out at the rain again.

i open my big helpful umbrella and stepped out.

pitter patter pitter patter.

i think it soothes me; the raindrops.

i walk into the mall and find it strangely empty.

of course, it's still early; they're not opened yet.

there goes my sugar.

i walk around anyway. no crowds to contrast in, nevermind. window-shopping unopened shops still works for me.

i wonder distractedly if there was a hidden camera following me around and filming this emo scene. it might make a good sad movie. if the female lead was prettier with tears dotting her big big eyes.

i went up the escalator and turned in a small circle. not a single shop was opened; do i really want to do this?

i saw a woman walk past with a McDonald's plastic bag. maybe, just maybe...

i walk into McDonald's and queue.

"is there a strawberry milkshake for sale this early?"

"strawbe-- oh, no. not yet."

"okay. what drinks are there then?"

he gestured to the menu and i glanced vaguely.

"coke."

"medium?"

"yes, okay."

"that'll be two dollars."

i dug out my purse for this impulse buy.

"take-away?"

i took the coke from him and smiled my thanks. i think it looked like a grimace to him.

i walked out of McDonald's.

i decided i wanted to walk home in the rain, under my umbrella.

i smiled to myself again; under my umbrella.

so i put my medium coke on a flat surface as i opened my big trusty yellow umbrella for the nth time.

i stepped out into the rain with coke in my left hand and an umbrella on my right hand.

raindrops fell down to greet me.

i walked and sipped. it was a slow leisurely walk. in the rain. under my umbrella. going home.

i cleared my mind and invited "Umbrella" in.

Under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh,

the coke was numbing my left hand with its temperature, but i stubbornly held on. let it numb my hand. see if i care.

under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh,

the unfamiliar route home became familiar as i walked on. 7 steps, 1 sip, 7 steps.

under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh,

i wondered how i look to strangers. just an ordinary girl, maybe? do they even see me? maybe i'm like the lamp post in the picture. maybe.

under my umbrella,

my hand got used to the coke's cold. my legs got used to the slow pace. but the world rushed past me in a whirl.

ella, ella,

i thought of a suitable excuse to feed my mom.

eh, eh, eh,

i crossed the road, eyes on the flashing green man. i didn't break my pace. will i make it on time?

yes.

eh-eh.

the best walk i ever had in my whole life. and it was in the rain. with my big beautiful yellow umbrella. got me home. home.

the clouds did all the crying, my heart did all the aching.


i reached home at 917 hours today.