i hate this. i was in the mood to do homework, preferably math, when i can't find the damned assignment in heymath.net. it's so sickening. the alarm's still not going off in my mind and i still don't feel the sense of urgency to complete my homework. if this is a holiday-- oh, i don't even know what i want anymore. holidays don't feel like holidays when they no longer mean fun. if this is part of growing up, please let me die now.

another thing is the scenario. it just won't get out of my head and into the Words document. it is delaying my fanfiction. i refuse to update my fanfiction without sending ms tan my scenario first. yet i cannot seem to go on without staring at the white screen, dazed. at times like this, i wonder why nobody is inventing devices to connect our minds to the computer. at times like this, i don't even know if i'm frustrated, or just a girl with violent tendencies.

homework.

ohmygod. every single time this cursed word appears in my mind, it jams up my whole body's natural processes. i'm so tired of this so-called holidays. and the thing is, i don't even know if i prefer school days to this. it's just so damned horrible.

i keep thinking about not completing my homework and the scenario of failing the o levels looms before me. i don't want to think about my education anymore. why is it so important, i don't quite understand. i'm a coward, but i think about death more than anything when i think about education and my future. education seems to do nothing else but confirm what a failure i am. and i hate that. i can't even self-prep-talk myself anymore because it seems to get truer and truer.

and after typing all these, i realise i'm slowly slipping back into my emotional rut. as much as i don't want that to happen, it looks inevitable. it's so difficult being human, you know. why can't i be a flower by the roadside? or a ostrich in a zoo? now, anything feels better than being a human; being me.

all that talk about making a difference in someone else's life? right now, i'm not even sure if i can live through the day.

scratch that.

msning with jacq and emily now. can't afford to die now.