was supposed to finish up scenario now. and like my usual routine, i go on a round of blogs i read, hoping that at least a single soul updated. avril did.

well, i never wrote well and never will. so avril lee, foil yourself with me and feel instantly better. in fact, foil yourself with me whenever you feel emo/sad/inferior and you will feel instantly better. don't go all 'no! you're not that bad!" on me. it's the truth and i don't mind it. that's what friends are for, anyways.

i'm sorry i can't get myself to write my scenario now. i think i made a mistake of rereading Twilight. i always have after-effects of Twilight. let me attempt describing them to you with my more-than-horrible english.

Jealousy: honestly, who'd believed that Stephenie Meyer was a first-time writer? and that the whole damned storyplot came to her in the form of a dream? seriously, it's like shooting me in my heart twice, and then saying 'sorry, never knew my aim was that good'. but i love her. i love her for writing Twilight. so now, i know what a love-hate relationship is.

she writes so well. seriously. the way she can describe Bella's feelings so adequately, so... so... correctly! reading that book is like going on a roller-coaster ride with Bella. it's like you can easily put yourself into Bella's shoes! this book made me see the power of words. and if i ever get to publish a book (a dream which will always remain only a dream), i want to be like her. y'know, letting people feel what words can do.

Tingly feeling on the inside: i'm sorry, but this is just what Edward Cullen does to human beings classified under "Female". he's breathtakingly beautiful and we all believe it just because he's a vampire. we all know that humans can't be perfect, but nobody said that it applies to vampires. and so, fantasies form endlessly. i don't daydream about Edward Cullen with me, because i firmly believe and think that Edward Cullen and Bella Swan are meant to be. he is hers and i don't plan on changing that. so, i just daydream about a guy like Edward (another dream which will always remain only a dream).

Inferiority: it's different when you reread a book so many times. the first time you read a book, you read it for the plot or the characters. but the subsequent times, i devour the words, absorb the vocabulary. i can read a paragraph over and over again, simply because it's beautifully written. i can never write like that, so reading it is the next best thing. and writing my scenario immediately after reading Twilight is a literal mission impossible. i get very self-conscious about my writing abilities, not to mention get all pmsy on myself.

it's nice getting all of this out, but it's not all of it. i can't describe my feelings properly-- language barrier.

so, it's nice to dream, really. both literally and metaphorically.