my heart is still thumping from shock and if someone were to snap a picture of my face, it will most certainly be "lost in translation".

i knew that the last few days were too nice to be true. back from camp, shopping spree at kl, school time with class, nasa trip.

it's as if someone took me off a conveyor belt, only to place me on another. and it stops suddenly. inertia kicks in and i fall. my body struggles to maintain balance, my arms flail but most of all, my mind is reeling. my life is a movie running on fast-forward and i can't catch up.

yesterday, my bag went missing. i was abnormally calm, and i didn't know why. maybe somewhere within me, i knew all would be fine. and it was. i found it in the general office, where a cleaner deposited there, thinking that someone left it behind. this was a stupid thought because nobody would leave their bags behind in school. nobody. but it doesn't matter. everything turned out fine in the end.

physics remedial today never existed. the two-hour-long practical never existed.

but my first trip to Bakerzin was real. taking neoprints with nasa was real. having dinner with them was real.

and losing my handphone too.

i found out only when we were queuing up for Bakerzin. i don't know why, but i needed to know where my handphone was at that point of time. i search my bag, like how i search it any other time. but it wasn't there.

i took my bag apart and it still wasn't there.

the panic came quickly for this one. and i know it wasn't going to be alright. no more happy ending this time. my friends were nice; they helped me backtrack in an attempt to locate my missing phone. i even filed a report for my missing handphone with the cab company.

it doesn't work. i shelf my panic away and enjoy my friends' company. the happiness that comes when i'm with them far exceeds the distress. and so, a wave crashes down on the cursed chest. it sinks, hidden beneath the murky waters. but it doesn't stay there for long. the waves keep crashing down. but the chest doesn't stay there for long.

i reach home, the chest resurfacing. i ponder about it and sees a girl in a trance-like state. she places her shoes back into the cupboard. she puts the bag onto the floor with a light thud. she bathes in cold water. she combs her hair. she opens a cupboard. she takes a small box out. she finds the customer hotline number. she questions herself. she picks up the phone. she dials.

a mechanical voice comes on and i listen intently. pressing the correct numbers are crucial because if you don't, you go to the wrong place with the wrong people who cannot help you. and i need help. so i close my eyes so my ears can listen better. my fingers push the correct buttons. soon, i hear a ringing sound which sounded like an answer.

"Hello, Mr. Tan. How can I help you?"

i know this voice can help me. it is friendly and warm. it is a female voice. i know that i don't have to choose my words carefully. i know that it is okay.

"I'm his daughter." i think i may be nervous about this. but i stop myself from slamming the phone back down. i have come so far.

the voice corrects herself smoothly, "Yes, Ms. Tan? How can I help you?"

i take a silent deep breath to stable my voice. but it trembles anyway. "I think I... Okay, I lost my phone and I can't find it. I'm calling to... One of my friends advised me to terminate the line, in case the person who finds my phone uses it."

it doesn't sound like my voice. a stranger has taken over. a stranger named Fear.

but she is not annoyed."Mmhmm."

"I can, right? Terminate my line?"

"Yes, of course you can."

"But both my parents are not home so..."

"No, it's alright. Okay, Ms. Tan, I can help you suspend your line temporarily now, but your parents will have to call me in order to reconnect the line--"

i had to interrupt because there was a particular worry in my mind. "When I reconnect, will I get the same old number back?"

"Ah, yes. You will get the same number back. So do you want to suspend your line now, Ms. Tan?"

i didn't think for long. it didn't occur to me that i should discuss with my parents. i was concerned about my phone and it would be disastrous for the bad person to waste my father's money away. money was not something i had in excess. my father earns hard for the money, and i will not help the bad guy spend it. i was sure about a bad person's existence because i called my own phone and it was turned off. i didn't turn it off when i lost it. it was fully charged.

"Yes." i was surprised by the firmness in my voice, yet i wasn't.

"Okay, I will need your father's full name and his IC number."

"Tan Heng Chiang. And his IC number is..." i falter, but i do not panic. my mind is working, fast. and then i know.

"...hold on, sorry." as i cover the mouthpiece, i hear a distant 'okay' and i call out for my sister. she's in the toilet, and she knows my father's IC number. my family used to rent movies from a nearby shop and we always use my father's IC number, which is needed. my sister, being an active cd-renter, has long memorized my father's IC number. i am suddenly grateful towards my sister. i ask for my father's IC number and it rolls off her tongue like pearls. i thank her with a smile; she shrugs in return.

"Sorry for that. The IC number is SXXXXXXXX."

"XXXX...?"

"XXXX."

"Okay, thanks. And the billing address?"

"The billi-- Blk XXX, P____ Road, #XX-XXX, SXXXXXX." i say it really fast and it feels good; i have my voice back.

"Uhhuh. Okay. I have now suspended your line. But it is only for two weeks. After the two weeks, you will have to come down and get a new card, or there will be extra charges."

"But the number for the new card will be my old number." i don't want to lose my number. it's a beautiful number. my father can remember it. my mother, my sister, my brother, my friends. they all remember one number-- the old number.

"Yes. So now, nobody can sms or call from your phone."

"I can't even call my phone now?" just in case the other end picks up and i can negotiate.

short, gentle laugh. "Sorry, nope."

i was okay with that. she helped me solve my problem. i try to express my gratitude through the way i say thank you. i don't know if it worked, but i think i heard the smile in her voice. maybe it was the first time she came across such a thing? i don't know. my mind suddenly spins as i realise that i just suspended my line-- all by myself.

i see the girl stand up, walk into her room and lay on her bed. i know she is thinking.

i try to distract myself. i think about today's nasa trip. i think about my social life. i think about change. but i cannot stop thinking about my lost phone. and in the end, i decide to welcome it.

i think about how my parents will react. if they scold me, good. if they don't scold me, ...good. i realise that i have already decided everything. i am going to punish myself; i will change a card and get my old number back, but i will not get a new phone. i will wait for my plan to expire before getting a new phone. this way, i will not waste my father's money. and he will see that i am taking responsibility for my actions.

then i think about life without a phone. it will be uncomfortable, but i will adapt. i adapted to a entirely new class and i am happy now. time will heal all wounds, including this. i cannot let myself commit the same mistake for the fourth time. it will be fun, anyway, because i will treat it like a challenge. and it will make me feel somehow accomplished to be able to say that i don't have a handphone. everybody has handphones now. i want to show the world how i can survive without a handphone.

then i stop my thinking when i notice that i wasn't thinking properly. my train of thought was too short and abrupt. i jump from place to place and back again. i wonder if i usually think that way, or if i was just crumbling under pressure. then my train jumps to the non-existent physics remedial. i smile to myself.

i get off the bed and felt the cold marble floor beneath my feet. i had a sudden urge to press my face against the cold, so the cold can slap me out of my shock. but i don't do that. i turn the laptop on instead. but i don't know what my body wants me to do until i log into my weblog. i marvel at my body's mind, and then stops as i realise that my body's mind is my mind.

realizations are wonderful things. they hit you like a blunt bullet and you feel enlightened. i am glad i still have realizations at a time like this.

then, licking my lips, i let my fingers do the talking.

"dear diary,".