it's funny how things are always opposite from what they originally are.

last year, i loved school, hated coming back home. and early this year, i dreaded school and couldn't wait to get back home.

early this year, i hated groupwork and looked forward to Lit everytime. now, i hope lit never comes and bring on the groupwork, baby!

the list could actually go on, but that's just it-- the main points. it's funny how i hate change, yet i'm changing every single day. i used to enjoy lit because i was a loner in class and it was only the analysing in lit that made me feel happy.

but now, i guess i don't like favouritism being practiced in class, especially during lit. it makes me want to shut up, and act invisible. makes me not want to try, because even if i did, it wouldn't be laughed at or gushed over or complimented.

i sort of like lit this way, because it gives me a quiet time to think and reflect AND still annotate the text, all at the same time. i guess i once would die for her to notice, but now, i don't really.

but she did anyway. she asked me what was wrong today, because i looked "listless" and "is not paying attention in class". i do pay attention. maybe i am listless, but i do pay attention. maybe sometimes i zone out, but i do try. i just don't talk as much in class anymore. but when she asked me what was wrong, i just replied that i was fine, and that there was nothing wrong.

because that's how i felt that way, at that time.

the front of this post, the whole favouritism part? i had to think about it, to come up with an answer to what was wrong. i mean, how'd you expect for me to tell her everything was wrong? maybe not everything. but i'm a student. she's a teacher. it's hard to be friends AND maintain a teacher-student relationship. unless the teacher likes you. that's a whole different scenario, of course.

also, i don't like it when people ask me "what's wrong?". you don't really know whether they care or not. you don't know whether they're asking sincerely, or they're just asking for the sake of it. you don't know whether they're prepared for a confession/emotional breakdown, or they just want you to say "i'm fine". you just don't know.

it's especially more so for me, because i don't like people tearing my mask away from my face. it's there for a reason, and it's going to stay there. and even if it needs tearing down, i'll give you the cue. you won't want to probe and get a whole waterfall crashing down on you. honestly, you won't.

so when i say i'm strong, i actually mean it. maybe not physically, but emotionally. or maybe i'm not strong emotionally at all. it's just how i want myself to be portrayed. but despite that, i still wonder if you're getting the right impression of me at all.

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okay, audrey angst over. had to get that out. you can skip it. you can forget about it. it's just one of those times. sorry.

so yeah. school was horrible today. sweaty physics practical and all. although after school was nice. i had the chinese workshop in a cool (literally) air-conditioned room. and then there was squash, where i pretty much slacked throughout, until the last eight minutes when my arm was almost dying. heh.

today's very empty. no homework to rush, except the chinese worksheet. but that's not to be completed on computer. so i see first lah. i'm going to do that worksheet and maybe come back here to blog s'more.

but, first, sze! it's not going to fun-fun. it's just a i-have-my-friends-there-FUN. although i'd rather much miss the whole thing altogether and stay at home. well, don't feel bad. you can bake more of those lemon squares and surprise us when we come back from obs, all tanned and healthier-looking! love those squares full of lemony goodness! :D

okay. end of post here. blater, dears!