lack of blogging = lack of interesting things in my life = me getting bored with my life

yes. everything's falling into a routine. and honestly, i don't think that even friday is a motivation anymore. writing's still a pleasure, i rediscovered that when i was trying to pen down my mini xiaoshuo. oh, the satisfaction when you finally complete one. i almost cried when i was writing the ending. it wasn't that sad, really. it's just that i was getting too much into the persona's soul that i honestly saw things from her point of view suddenly.

i'm doing crappy english now. i hate how goldfish is making me hate english. i don't really hate hate her. she's making us compare her to miss tan by making us do things we don't usually do. newsweek excercise? tell me, what is the point of that? it's just wasting our time really. i pity how she's standing beneath miss tan's great shadow, but i can't help but think that she deserves it.

fine. i shan't talk about that anymore.

i've recently let off a pebble in my chest. it's just something small bothering me. but in a way, it's huge too. but it's all gone now and all's well.

crap. i'm feeling extremely emo now. and one of the reason is because i'm losing my touch to blog. i've always prided myself as someone who blogs often. but not anymore. then, it makes me hate school life-- why must there be so many homework?

i mean, i'm just denying self-denial. that i know. but sometimes, i want a break. the march holidays are coming but why am i not happy? because i've been a student long enough to know that holidays are just teachers' excuse to pile us with more homework. that's a sad fact, isn't it? living life long enough to know that there are catches to pleasures. and that nothing is ever as easy as it seems. i'm only fifteen now. how long more is this going to continue?

i don't want to be a lit student anymore. i want to hit myself hard on the head and lose all memory. i want to start life all over again, when being stupid was happiness.

when i'm alone (which is most of the time), i get very emo. i think i'm starting to snap. under pressure, maybe? i'm starting to question almost everything, but i'm not getting any answers. there's no one to ask, and not like Montag, i'm still not so desperate for answers that i ask the wrong people. some people are getting to me. i try not to let them affect me, but i'm losing my ability to tolerate. the question of why always ME who is tolerating comes up.

yes, maybe you tolerate me too. everybody give and take. actually, no, i'm not going to address my imaginary audience this time. i'm going to be unreasonable today because i'm snapping, remember? i don't want to explain for myself. i want somebody to understand me without me needing to explain.

there's this hole in my heart and sadly, no one can really fill it up.

some people just make it bigger. some make it smaller. but the hole never closes up completely. sometimes i forget about it. sometimes i force the hole bigger, to remind myself of the pain. maybe so i can get used to it?

i don't like how i'm always alone now. being alone makes me think too much and it's starting to become something unhealthy. i don't have a best friend in class for me to attach myself to. i don't have someone to distract me. i don't have someone who can go high or low with me.

i like my class, really. it's quiet during lessons, and hyper most of the other times. people i don't usually interact with are obviously nice. but i still think of 2g.

i'm not going to do english anymore. goldfish hating me is quite the least of my problems now. i've done what i can, and my capacity is different from others. some people are quite inhumane in terms of homework. maybe i'm inhumane in a way too. how is it possible to procrastinate and slack so much? it just is. maybe i'll fail my o levels and i shall jump off a building. maybe i pass it with flying colours and i go on to a higher level of pressure.

human instinct screams for me to stay alive.

but the hole in my heart says otherwise. do i really want to die? or am i just overemo?

yes, i think i'm overemo.

is this what life has done to me? what a sad and cruel life, no?

what a piece of crap-- both me and my life.

it's really times like this that i think of emily and i can just cry.